The sense of 'Iness after awakening ~ Atman Nityananda

The sense of ‘Iness after awakening

Awakening is neither enlightenment nor liberation. Awakening is a direct intuitive realization that 'we' are the silent luminous presence and not the ego or the body-me. Awakening is neither enlightenment nor liberation, is just awakening. Liberation happens only when the egoic self dissolves for ever totally.

¨That which has been created by the Buddhi extremely deluded by Nescience, and which is perceived in this body as "I am such and such" – when that egoism is totally destroyed, one attains an unobstructed identity with Brahman.¨  ~ Adisankaracharya's Vivekachudamani

"Brahman (Divine consciousness, true Self) can be clearly and definitely realised only through Nirvikalpa Samadhi. Samadhi ensues only when the purified mind is merged in Brahman."

"The force of impressions (samskaras and vasanas) is tremendous. Unless all the impressions are thoroughly burnt through entry into the state of the pure Nirvikalpa Samadhi, it is not safe for one to stay a long time in one’s native place. He will still be in the danger zone.
~  Swami Sivananda

Thus if together with awakening doesn´t happen the total dissolution of the egoic self ( which is what happens in almost all cases) then sadhana must be continued with the same intensity as before. What changes is our attitude. We are free from the anxiety and the impatience to discover the truth. There is deep release of the tension. But we must continue our sadhana until all egoic structures and the ego-sense or the sense ‘the body is me’ disappear forever and we experience in all conditions and circumstances without a break the peace and bliss eternal. This is liberation this is self-realization, this is enlightenment.

When after awakening the egoic patterns arise in us, we will continue to experience them as ourselves, at least as part of ourselves. When for example anger is manifested in us we still feel that we are angry. We continue sense, that we are the agent of feelings, perceptions, thoughts etc. That it is to say that together with the mental or emotional wave will arise in us also the sense of ‘Iness although may be subtle. This happens because every egoic expression is part of the ‘Iness; viz. ‘Iness is not different from anger and fear but these emotions are only modifications of the ‘Iness itself. The ‘Iness itself assumes the form of anger, fear, pride etc.; thus when anger arises is impossible not to feel ‘I am angry’. It would be like saying that there is sunlight without sun and sea waves without sea.

 Of course we are aware that the ‘Iness and its expressions aren’t our identity. We may not lose ourselves in the egoic expressions as before (although if the ego remains strong enough we will occasionally) but this doesn´t mean that we are free from the sense of ‘Iness, that we are free from the sense of the agent of the egoic patterns. Even if we find ourselves in the most detached observation of an egoic tendency there is a sense of ‘Iness even if it is very subtle. As long as the ego continues in us even very thin and weak we are not free from this sense although doesn´t cause suffering any more. 

Our final goal is to dissolve the ego and all samskaras and vasanas totally and thus remain established in our essence spontaneously and effortlessly. Until the last step we must alert and cautious practicing meditation and samadhi.

Adisankaracharya in his book Vivekachudamani says: 

342. Even wise men cannot suddenly destroy egoism after it has once become strong, barring those who are perfectly calm through the Nirvikalpa Samadhi. Desires are verily the effect of innumerable births.

299. So long as one has any relation to this wicked ego, there should not be the least talk about Liberation, which is unique.

309. Even though completely rooted out, this terrible egoism, if revolved in the mind even for a moment, returns to life and creates hundreds of mischiefs, like a cloud ushered in by the wind during the rainy season. 

310. Overpowering this enemy, egoism, not a moment’s respite should be given to it by thinking on the sense-objects. That is verily the cause of its coming back to life, like water to a citron tree that has almost dried up.

301. That which has been created by the Buddhi extremely deluded by Nescience, and which is perceived in this body as "I am such and such" – when that egoism is totally destroyed, one attains an unobstructed identity with Brahman.